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Post by april13th1970 on Jul 25, 2012 8:11:21 GMT 1
A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"
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Post by april13th1970 on Aug 10, 2012 16:18:44 GMT 1
A friend of mine bought a car off Bonnie Tyler
It's rubbish . . . every now and then it falls apart
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Aug 11, 2012 13:34:26 GMT 1
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, why don't you fxxx off."
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Post by april13th1970 on Aug 11, 2012 14:42:22 GMT 1
A friend of mine has got a job as a mime artist
He kept that one quiet
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Sept 18, 2012 11:37:00 GMT 1
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced " Please prepare for a crash landing ". The first lady put on all her jewelry . Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first. The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great tits and will take me first. The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties. Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first ?
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Post by april13th1970 on Sept 26, 2012 21:09:18 GMT 1
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Sept 27, 2012 8:04:08 GMT 1
think they have gone over the top personally a bit hairy as well could get stuck between your teeth
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Post by roadchefourstands on Sept 27, 2012 9:18:52 GMT 1
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs. with a matching thimble set...
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2012 21:08:46 GMT 1
Yoko Ono is rumoured to be on the next celebrity get me out of here. Producers think she'll do well as she's been living off a dead beatle for thirty years
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Oct 4, 2012 21:33:35 GMT 1
brilliant
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Post by april13th1970 on Oct 31, 2012 8:52:37 GMT 1
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night
My next sh*t could spell disaster
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Oct 31, 2012 14:27:52 GMT 1
oh dear maybe you will just be firing blanks
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Feb 17, 2013 17:59:24 GMT 1
Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancee and she has said she has never had reason to think he was a pedophile in all their 25 years together !!!! 7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40 A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche... Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer’s Warranty Runs Out Soon.:/ ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!! 2 Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka! In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth . A Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof !
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Post by april13th1970 on Feb 17, 2013 21:37:12 GMT 1
What do you get if you mix beans & onions ?
Tear Gas
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Feb 18, 2013 10:03:55 GMT 1
oh dear
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Feb 20, 2013 9:46:06 GMT 1
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
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Post by april13th1970 on Nov 4, 2013 12:31:33 GMT 1
I'm a nervous flier, and shortly after take-off I was so nervous I suddenly needed the toilet. I also wanted a brandy to settle my nerves.
Sweating, I left my seat and started up the aisle. "Is there anything you need, sir?" asked a stewardess.
"...a...a loo and a bar," I stammered.
And that's when they all jumped on me
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Nov 4, 2013 17:28:14 GMT 1
oh dear lol
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Post by april13th1970 on Dec 12, 2013 18:50:06 GMT 1
Mandela's Memorial Service . . . . . probably the worst signing since we brought Andy Read && Ja,es Beattie in
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Post by mickyg on Mar 12, 2014 10:18:16 GMT 1
I went into a public toilet the other day for a number 2 and had just sat down when this voice came from the adjacent cubicle, "Hi, how are you?" Feeling a little embarrassed I replied, "I'm fine thank you". The voice then said, "So, what are you up to?" "Same as you," I said,"just sitting here, you know". He then said, "Do you mind if I come over to you?" Annoyed and embarrassed I replied, "Er, sorry, I'm rather busy at the moment!" The voice then said, "Look, I'm gonna have to call you back, there's an idiot in the next cubicle that keeps answering all my questions!"
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Post by whitstabletangerine on Mar 12, 2014 10:55:35 GMT 1
That's the spirit Micky, I am off to Leicester Saturday, if only Keith was still with us, sorry Ted that was not for your eyes.
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Post by april13th1970 on Mar 12, 2014 20:21:39 GMT 1
I bought some Velcro today . . . What a rip-off
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Post by april13th1970 on May 16, 2014 6:50:09 GMT 1
A Preston native dies and is sent to Hell. The Devil tries to make him as uncomfortable as possible, maintaining a temperature of 100 degrees, but the man does not seem to mind. "How can you be comfortable?" the Devil asks. "I used to spend my weekends in Blackpool," the man replies. "This feels just like June. I can handle this." "Very well then," says the Devil, and he turns the heat up to 130 degrees. "No problem," answers the man. "When I was a kid, we used to go to Majorca on holiday. This feels just like that." "Have it your way," says the Devil, and he turns the heat up to 180 degrees. "Big deal," says the man, still unfazed. "I spent a while working in Saudi Arabia. This feels just like it did there." The Devil thinks for a moment, then decides to reduce the temperature to minus-50. At this, the man smiles, and starts jumping up and down and shouting happily. "What now?" asks the Devil. "Hell froze over!" the man yells triumphantly. "PNE must have finally won the Play-Offs!"
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Post by mickyg on May 16, 2014 12:50:57 GMT 1
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jun 6, 2014 11:28:58 GMT 1
I got a good joke probably the best in the world . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . are you ready . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Karl and Progress
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