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Post by april13th1970 on Feb 9, 2012 19:27:02 GMT 1
Sky Sports News have just asked Harry Redknapp about the Euros. He's shit himself! "Euros, what Euros?!? They told you, I ain't guilty!!"
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Feb 14, 2012 13:34:18 GMT 1
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Customer: A white one... Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? **************************** Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.. **************************** Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11. **************************** Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: ! OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. **************************** Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five dots. **************************** Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.. **************************** Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. **************************** Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first email. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it? **************************** This one and the next are our personal favorites! A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.' **************************** And last but not least! Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.' Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 17, 2012 12:31:27 GMT 1
ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL. A major hurricane (hurricane Shazza) hit Essex in the early hours of Thursday with its epicentre in Basilddon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair as well as three areas of historic burn out cars. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident, Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of 5 said, "It was such a , my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle ". Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop. How can you help? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster . Clothing is most sought after- items most needed include; Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White stilettos White sports socks Rockport boots Any other items usually sold in Primark Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include; Microwave meals Tins of baked beans KFC Ice cream Cans of special brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drings for a family of nine. £5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected BREAKING NEWS Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut. "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked "Romford", said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?" Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex- oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
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Post by april13th1970 on Feb 17, 2012 19:03:32 GMT 1
Apparently Whitney Houston phoned Autoglass just before she died, but they couldn't fix her crack problem
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 20, 2012 14:29:01 GMT 1
UK IN 100 YEARS TIME.
David Cameron goes to a science exhibition and is shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. The guy in charge asks him to ask any question he likes and Cameron asks. "What will Australia be like in 100 years time". The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives out a printout, which reads, "the country is in good hands under the new Prime Minister, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy and there are no worries".
He has another go this time asking what will China be like in 100 years and the reply came back, "The country will be the world's leading economy and everyone there will be enjoying a very high standard of living">
Cameron then asks "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years?" The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action. The operator gets a printout, but just stares at it.
"Come on", says Cameron "What does it say? good or bad news". The man replies, "Buggered if I know.................it's all in Arabic!"
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 21, 2012 18:34:59 GMT 1
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "CHICKEN SURPRISE". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down., "Good grief, did you see that", she says. He husband had not, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what has happened and demands an explanation. "Pleas sir, what you order?" The husband replies, Chicken Surprise. Ah!, so sorry says the waiter, I bring you Peeking Duck.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 22, 2012 16:19:06 GMT 1
It all began with an iPhone....
March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it, who wouldn't.
I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
Our daughter's birthday was in August, so we bought her an iPod Touch.
My wife celebrated her birthday in September, so I got her an iRON. It was around this time that the fight started. What my wife failed to recognise is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with iWASH, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNAG service.
I should be out of hospital next week.
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Post by roadchefourstands on Feb 22, 2012 16:37:11 GMT 1
My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.
She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
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Post by yenilira on Feb 23, 2012 1:07:53 GMT 1
Nice ones, Whit, especially the last one. [p.s. where do you dig 'em up from?] 4Stands - hope you don't got a frying pan handy!
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 23, 2012 13:09:31 GMT 1
Yeni, most come from friends in the US, or OZ via e-mail, or from an old friend who lives alone in Ashford who was just one of a few who served with the Yanks in Vietnam.
Here is another, hope it dosn't offend.
An Irishman, rather drunk wandering through a wood comes across a river where a preacher is baptizing some individuals. He wanders into the river and nudges the preacher who smells his breath and realizing his situation asks the drunk if he would like to repent and find Jesus. The drunk agrees and the preacher duly pushes him under the water for about 20 secs and then releases him. Have you found Jesus the preacher asks. No said the drunk and so the preacher repeats the operation this time holding him down for 30 seconds. Once again he pops out of the water and the preacher asks, have you found Jesus, No says the drunk and the precher now at his wits end submerges the drunk this time holding him down for a good minute. The drunk surfaces spluttering and gasping for breath and the preacher once again asks, have you seen Jesus. No, said the drunk, ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHERE HE FELL IN.
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Post by roadchefourstands on Feb 23, 2012 14:58:27 GMT 1
;D had me giggling
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 23, 2012 22:27:44 GMT 1
JOHN AND THE BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED
Young John bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day... The next day he drove up and said "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey's dead". John replied, "Well then just give me my money back". The farmer said, "Can't do that, I've already spent it". John said, "Ok then, just bring me the dead donkey". The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"> John said, "I'm going to raffle him off".
The farmer said, "You can't raffle a dead donkey!". John said, "Sure I can, just watch me, I just won't tell anybody he is dead".
A month later, the farmer met up with John and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
John said "I raffled him off. Sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898". The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
John said, "Just the guy who won, so I gave him his two pounds back".
John now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.
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Post by roadchefourstands on Feb 24, 2012 10:22:37 GMT 1
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
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Post by roadchefourstands on Feb 24, 2012 16:30:15 GMT 1
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.' So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £32.
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.'
'F*** me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!
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Post by yenilira on Feb 26, 2012 22:27:38 GMT 1
Liverpool's Carling Cup victory parade is cancelled after nobody at
the club can remember where they put the starting handle for the
open-top bus...
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 28, 2012 11:56:31 GMT 1
Patton stgaggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Patton said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"
"Well", said Kathleen, "It could be the open fron door. It could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, It could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, It could be the bloodshot eyes, but mostly............................. it's all those BAND-AIDS stuck on the hall mirror.
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Post by roadchefourstands on Mar 2, 2012 21:47:04 GMT 1
Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Mar 18, 2012 20:27:51 GMT 1
A husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello?..... how the f*** do I know?...who am I, THE WEATHER MAN?" -- and prompty slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies. "I dunno, some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear"
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Post by april13th1970 on Mar 27, 2012 7:41:00 GMT 1
Q. What do you call 50 singing Lesbians in fatigues
A> Militia Etheridge
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Mar 28, 2012 21:34:17 GMT 1
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Post by april13th1970 on Mar 28, 2012 21:38:36 GMT 1
Apparently, it's not true that Ellen DeGeneres was found today to have died as a result of drowning
All they said was that she was found face down in a dyke
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Mar 28, 2012 22:07:34 GMT 1
that is wrong on so many levels but dam funny
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Post by april13th1970 on Mar 28, 2012 22:34:39 GMT 1
Wrong on so many levels ?
You mean like farting in the lift ?
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Post by april13th1970 on Mar 29, 2012 20:04:37 GMT 1
The leader of the Labour Party Ed Miliband walks into a London bank and asks to cash a cheque for £2000.00
Teller: "No problem sir, could you please show me your ID."?
Ed Miliband: "Well, I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need. After all, I amt Ed Miliband " the leader of the labour party,
Teller: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, I must insist on seeing ID."
Ed Miliband: "Just ask anyone here who I am and they will tell you. They all know who I am.
Teller: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Ed Miliband: "Is there some other way around this?"
Teller: "Look, here's what we can do: A while ago now, Luke Donald walked into the bank without ID. To prove he was Luke Donald he pulled out his putter and a golf ball, and trickled it ten metres across the floor into a cup. Then we were sure he was Luke Donald and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball fifteen metres - right into my coffee mug. After that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.
So, what can you do to prove to me that you are really the Labour Party leader?"
Ed Miliband stands, deep in thought for what seems like minutes then finally says: "My mind's a complete blank. Honestly, I can't think of a single thing"
Teller: "Would fifties be OK, MR MILIBAND ?"
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Mar 30, 2012 10:33:49 GMT 1
he could have said my Brother is the clever one i am just a puppet
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