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Post by yenilira on Nov 28, 2011 19:25:33 GMT 1
Eh, youse th' Oirishmin, then?
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Post by april13th1970 on Nov 30, 2011 21:06:27 GMT 1
Twas the Night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down the list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks, I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my butt for almost a year, instead of "Thanks Santa!" - What do I hear?
The old lady bitches, cause I work late at night, The elves want more money - the reindeer all fight!
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids, Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better Those jerks from IRS sent me a letter.
It says I owe taxes.. if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days- they are all the pits They want the impossible.. those mean little twits!
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls, their arms, legs, and heads.
I made a ton of yo-yo's - no request for them. They all want computers.. they think I'm IBM!
If you think that is bad.. just picture this.. Try holding those little brats, with their pants full of piss.
They pull at your nose, they grab at my beard And if I don't smile, the parent's think that I'm weird.
Flying though the air, dodging the trees. Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quittin this job, there's just no enjoyment. I'll sit on my fat butt and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason.. I've found me a blonde... I'm going south for the season!
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Nov 30, 2011 21:12:33 GMT 1
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Post by yenilira on Nov 30, 2011 21:13:30 GMT 1
Good one - I had to really laugh at that!
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Post by april13th1970 on Dec 2, 2011 2:41:51 GMT 1
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre
so the barman gives her one
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Post by april13th1970 on Dec 2, 2011 22:46:30 GMT 1
Benton the dog's owner out on his bike
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Post by yenilira on Dec 4, 2011 20:24:36 GMT 1
Still on the theme of Christmas: Heard an interesting exchange between a man and his wife in a shop. "Do you remember the lovely drill bits you gave me for Christmas last year?" he asked. "Do you think that this year I might get the drill?"
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Dec 18, 2011 16:18:48 GMT 1
My wife asked for a boob job for Christmas, so I got her one.
Hoping to get the other one done next year
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Dec 18, 2011 16:23:40 GMT 1
This one was on a Christmas Card
If the Three Wise Men had been Three Wise Women
After seeing the baby in the Manger, they came out and spake
1st Wise Women " Did you see the shoes Mary was wearing with that robe, HUH?"
2nd Wise Women "What kind of a place to have a baby is that, filthy animals all over the place"
3rd Wise Woman " Don't give me, "Virgin Birth" I knew her at school"
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Post by april13th1970 on Dec 18, 2011 17:19:38 GMT 1
I noticed they haven't got a nativity scene in Preston's St George's Centre
Probably couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin in Preston
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Dec 20, 2011 19:20:16 GMT 1
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone, MY WIFE IS PREGNANT AND HER CONTRACTIONS ARE ONLY 2 MINS APART.
IS THIS HER FIRST CHILD, ask the doctor.
NO, shouts Paddy, THIS IS HER HUSBAND.
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Dec 20, 2011 21:45:56 GMT 1
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Dec 21, 2011 13:04:40 GMT 1
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly popultion with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Post by yenilira on Dec 21, 2011 14:48:23 GMT 1
John woke up the morning after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Dec 22, 2011 13:06:52 GMT 1
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was, I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls appear to have varicose veins and it takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently, but the worst of it, almost every time I sneeze or splutter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Dec 22, 2011 13:08:35 GMT 1
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was, I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls appear to have varicose veins and it takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently, but the worst of it, almost every time I sneeze or splutter either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Dec 23, 2011 11:51:19 GMT 1
Walk with me as I age.
I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me, then by forwarding, it will have been worth the effort.
WALK WITH ME BY THE WATER. it's well worth a read. A beautiful poem about growing old.
Bugger
I've forgotten the words.
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Post by yenilira on Dec 23, 2011 13:23:32 GMT 1
This the one you mean, Whit? -
You make me feel so special by the sweet things that you do, and sharing your life wonders your are a friend so true.
Your heart is full of tenderness your cup overflows with love, I know that your friendship came from our dear Lord above.
You are always in my thoughts as I hope I am in yours, your friendship is the sweetest fruit thru which life's blood just pours.
Walk with me as we grow old please leave me not behind, keep me always in your prayers good friends are hard to find.
YL.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Dec 23, 2011 15:18:05 GMT 1
Afternoon Yeni, no not that poem, mine was supposed to be a joke, obviously not that funny.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Dec 26, 2011 19:11:18 GMT 1
An American tourist asked the dive master, "Why do the scuba divers alllways fall backwards off the side of the boat".
To which the dive master replied, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat".
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Post by yenilira on Dec 27, 2011 16:56:28 GMT 1
Hey, Whit: I got the joke OK, but you know me, I could cause an international incident by picking up on a phrase or sentence, (question, even) .......
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Post by yenilira on Dec 27, 2011 17:16:51 GMT 1
It was Christmas at Colditz Castle, 1944. After roll-call, the commandant of the most notorious POW Camp in the Third Reich, told the prisoners that he had an important announcement. And what was this “ Important Announcement” ? "I have some good news, and I have some bad news! First the good news! Today, everyone will get a change of underwear!" A big cheer rose up. When the noise had eventually died down, he said: "Now for the bad news. Johnson, you change with Smith ... Brown, you change with Forbes ... Carter, you change with Jackson..." YL.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Dec 28, 2011 15:19:00 GMT 1
An obituary printed in the London Times....
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, COMMON SENSE, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as; -Knowing when to come in out of the rain; -Why the early bird catches the worm; -Life isn't always fair; -and maybe it was my fault. COMMON SENSE lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies ( adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. COMMON SENSE lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. COMMON SENSE lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. COMMON SENSE took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. COMMON SENSE finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming hot cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awearded a huge settlement. COMMON SENSE was preceded in death, by his parents, TRUTH and TRUST, by his wife, DISCRETION, by his daughter, RESPONSIBILITY, and by his son, REASON. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I KNOW MY RIGHTS I WANT TO KNOW SOMEONE ELSE IS TO BLAME I'M A VICTIM.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
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Post by yenilira on Dec 28, 2011 15:46:55 GMT 1
Good one, Whit.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Dec 30, 2011 21:57:52 GMT 1
A young boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks "What is wrong"?? The boy says "Me ma is dead", oh bejaysus the man says, "Do you want me to to call Father O'Riley for you"? No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.
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