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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 9, 2011 9:46:35 GMT 1
A guy pops his head around the barbers door and enquires when he could get a haircut, the barber looks around the shop and says, about 3hrs, ok says the guy, I'll come back. He dosn't. A few days later the guy does the same again and the barber says about 2hours and the guy goes off. A week later he does it again and the barber says just over an hour to wait and guy goes off again. The barber turns to his friend Bill and says do me a favour follow that guy and see where he goes, I just don't know why he never comes back and I would like to know where he goes to. A little while later Bill comes back and can't stop . Well where did he go Bill, asks the barber and Bill replies YOUR HOUSE.
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Feb 9, 2011 10:04:29 GMT 1
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Post by yenilira on Feb 9, 2011 10:06:31 GMT 1
Nice one, Whit. #ok#
But what if the barber said 'five minutes' ? That certainly would be a 'quicky' ;-)
YL.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 9, 2011 10:20:54 GMT 1
A blonde joke, no disrespect for blonde females.... A blonde goes into the pizza shop and asks for a pizza, the assistant asks her, would you like it cut into 6 or 12 slices. The blonde replies 6 please, I couln't eat 12.
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Feb 9, 2011 11:24:46 GMT 1
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend." But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet." Then the redhead said
"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied
"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 9, 2011 11:30:53 GMT 1
Two blondes in a car park trying to get in witha coat hangar, one says to the other, hurry up it started to rain and the roof is down.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 9, 2011 11:32:51 GMT 1
A blonde and a redhead jump from a bridge, which one would reach the ground first. Answer, the redhead, the blonde would stop and ask for directions.
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Post by Ali on Feb 9, 2011 21:07:32 GMT 1
Glad I'm not a blonde or a red head lol but love the jokes, reading them at the end of the day as to busy at start
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Post by april13th1970 on Feb 10, 2011 7:42:10 GMT 1
2 Blondes walk into a bar, the Brunette ducks
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Post by mickyg on Feb 10, 2011 9:51:25 GMT 1
What's the difference between blonds and cowpats? Blonds are easier to pick up!
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 10, 2011 10:18:12 GMT 1
Have you heared the one about SvenGoran Erikson and the Millionare show. Oh well here it is,
Appearing on the millionare show Sven in his final question has one life line left to phone a friend. The question to be answered for £1mill is ...WHICH IS THE ONLY BIRD THAT DOES NOT LIVE IN A NEST. He dosn't know and phones a friend and it is David Becham living in Spain. He phones him and asks him if he knows the answer and Becks replies straight away.....it's a cuckoo. Cuckoo is the correct answer, Sven wins his £1mill and is so pleased he flies to Spain to thank Becks and when they meet he asks the question. How on earth did you know it was the cuckoo. Well says Becks, I thought everybody knew that cuckoos live in clocks.
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Post by yenilira on Feb 10, 2011 11:53:14 GMT 1
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Feb 10, 2011 12:41:25 GMT 1
now thats a good one.
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Post by april13th1970 on Feb 10, 2011 19:06:33 GMT 1
Ian Evatt and Wayne Rooney collide in a Blackpool v Man U game, the tragic and somewhat unexpected consequence being that they both die and go to heaven. Having strolled through the Pearly Gates, God shows Rooney to his new heavenly abode - as the latter sees this huge mansion draped with hundreds of Blackpool scarves and banners. Clearly cheesed off, Rooney asks, "Why do I get such a small place when Ian Evatt's house is so huge?"
God replies, "That's not Evatt's house! It's mine!"
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Post by seasider511 on Feb 10, 2011 19:23:30 GMT 1
2 old blokes sat on a park bench, Walter says to Bob do you think they play football in heaven. Bob says i dont know but if i die first I'll come back and tell you. Sadly Bob died afew weeks later. Weeks later Walter was sitting on the bench and Bob appeared Walter asks bob do they play football in heaven Bob says well i've got good news and some bad news, yes they play fooball in heaven Thats great Walter says but what is the bad news Bob Says Your on the team this weekend
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Post by roadchefourstands on Feb 10, 2011 22:19:21 GMT 1
I've just bought my girlfriend a present for Valentines Day.
I know it's he thought that counts, but I can't believe how expensive chocolate is nowadays.
17p for a Freddo is a fucking disgrace.
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Post by roadchefourstands on Feb 10, 2011 22:22:00 GMT 1
The girlfriend and a vacuum cleaner are pretty much the same.
After a year, both start whining and stop sucking.
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Post by yenilira on Feb 10, 2011 22:23:26 GMT 1
It's the way he tells them! #ok# YL.
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Post by roadchefourstands on Feb 10, 2011 22:23:32 GMT 1
Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my girlfriend.
I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she says
"Remember, you have a girlfriend."
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Post by yenilira on Feb 10, 2011 22:34:06 GMT 1
4Stands - I take it you've seen the "...AV Game" thread, near the bottom ? ;-)
#ok#
YL.
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Post by roadchefourstands on Feb 10, 2011 22:38:57 GMT 1
..er no,only came in from work recently and can't get on the proboards on teh work computer.....
av game thread??
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Feb 11, 2011 8:37:21 GMT 1
He said/ She said
He said. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said. You wear pants don't you?
He said. Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and watch TV!
He said. . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said. Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said. Why don't women blink during foreplay? She said. They don't have time
He said. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said. We don't know; it has never happened.
He said. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? She said. They already have boyfriends.
She said. What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night? He said. A widow.
He said. Why are married women heavier than single women? She said. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 11, 2011 14:22:58 GMT 1
A pirate walked into a bar and the barman asks, how did you get the wooden leg. pirate ---- I fell into shark infested waters. barman---- how did you get the hook. pirate----- musket exploded. barman--- how did you get the eye patch. pirate------ seagull pooped in my eye. barman----- and that sent you blind. pirate------ well, it was my first day with the hook.
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Post by april13th1970 on Feb 11, 2011 18:48:24 GMT 1
To all the guys………… What women say and what they MEAN
FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".
THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Feb 11, 2011 19:58:42 GMT 1
how true, oh so true........
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