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Post by yenilira on Jan 4, 2012 16:25:06 GMT 1
At the Time of Temur no one was allowed to carry a knife or a gun. One day the soldiers caught the Hodja with a big knife. The head of the soldiers shouted: “Don't you know, that you are not allowed to carry a knife!”, “But, I use it to scratch out the mistakes in the books.” “But why is your knife so big? “ “Because the mistakes are big!
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Post by yenilira on Jan 10, 2012 11:50:47 GMT 1
Tony Blair, the (ex-) British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.
He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
Tony, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"
Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward?
"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
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Post by yenilira on Jan 19, 2012 15:10:25 GMT 1
An American from Texas travelled to Australia.
There, during a visit to a farm, he asked the farm owner: "Say there fella', what are those animals over yonder?" The Australian (seeing that the American was pointing at some cows) said: "Cows..."
Then the Texan pointed at some sheep grazing a little beyond, and asked: "OK, and what about those animals?" "They're sheep," [came the answer from the Australian.]
A pained expression came to the American's face, and he shook his head from side to side, saying: "My my," he said, "What a pity! Because our Texas cows are at least 3 times bigger than these, and our sheep are 4 times bigger!"
Just then while the Texan was speaking, a kangaroo hopped by a little further on -- and again the Texan asked: "OK then , m'friend, what's the name of that animal?" "Oh, that?" replied the Australian, "Why that's a grasshopper..."
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Jan 19, 2012 15:18:32 GMT 1
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2012 13:44:37 GMT 1
thought I'd share this from the Sunday Times - the Jewish religion abd the Mormon religion have combined forces . their HQ is in Salt Beef City.
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Post by yenilira on Jan 23, 2012 13:48:15 GMT 1
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Post by april13th1970 on Jan 24, 2012 20:42:21 GMT 1
I heard the Roman Catholic and Methodist churches are merging
They're to be known as the Rhythm Methodists
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Jan 25, 2012 18:53:24 GMT 1
One for the Ladies.
40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE....
A married couple in their early sixties are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish".
The wife answered, "Oh, I would like to travel around the world with my darling husband". The dairy waved her magic wand and poof two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again, so I am very sory my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. The fairy waved her magic wand and poof....
THE HUSBAND BECAME 92 YEARS OLD.
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Post by april13th1970 on Jan 25, 2012 19:11:46 GMT 1
David Cameron is visiting a Glasgow hospital …………..
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,
He greets one.
The patient replies:
Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm.
Cameron is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:
Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit.
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prime Minister moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle
Now seriously troubled, Cameron turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'
'Och, No' replies the doctor, 'this is the Burns unit.'
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Jan 25, 2012 21:07:52 GMT 1
That's dreadful ;D
pmsl
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Post by yenilira on Jan 25, 2012 21:42:46 GMT 1
Yes, it is dreadful, Ye Olde.... the blagger nicked the 'Burns Unit' off me post on 10th Jan - # 251...!!!!!!!! ;D
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Post by yenilira on Jan 25, 2012 21:44:54 GMT 1
p.s. shows how often he looks on this board!
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Post by yenilira on Jan 26, 2012 13:01:35 GMT 1
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a keg ... coincidence?
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Post by april13th1970 on Jan 26, 2012 20:07:25 GMT 1
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
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Post by yenilira on Jan 26, 2012 20:59:16 GMT 1
Now, that is dreadful.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Jan 27, 2012 14:12:43 GMT 1
THE SLAPPER
Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss Air Traffic Controllers. Sitting together in the same compartment, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and very attractive female Irish foreign minister. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarassed. Angela Merkel thinks; Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have groped the Irish girl in the dark and she slapped his cheek. The Irish girl thinks; Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled Merkel and she slapped his cheek. Sarkozy thinks; Why me? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I'd get the blame for it and she slapped me.... the English bastard.
And Cameron thinks; I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that little French shit again.
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Post by yenilira on Jan 27, 2012 16:34:03 GMT 1
Sacre bleu!
There are still a few tunnels between here and Gay Paree....
Merde!
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Post by yenilira on Jan 29, 2012 13:16:10 GMT 1
First boating lake attendant: "Come in, No.9 - your time is up"
Second boating lake attendant: "Err, we don't have a No. 9 boat"
First attendant: "Come in No. 6 - you're sinking!"
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Post by yenilira on Feb 2, 2012 15:57:39 GMT 1
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
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Post by april13th1970 on Feb 2, 2012 18:54:32 GMT 1
I went for my annual check-up this morning. All went well until he put his index finger up my backside. That's when I thought "Hmm, time to change dentists"
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Post by alderneytangerine on Feb 4, 2012 12:37:36 GMT 1
Have you tried Rodeo Sex yet? What you have to do is, strip yourself and your wife, bend her over a table, enter her from behind then reach around and take hold of her breasts. Then you say "What a good f*** you are. But still not as good as your Sister" Then time how long you can stay on.
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Post by seasider511 on Feb 4, 2012 15:54:18 GMT 1
Just got back from A&E
The Dyson Ball Cleaner wasn't what i thought it was
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Post by roadchefourstands on Feb 4, 2012 16:57:00 GMT 1
The Government has just given out a fresh warning and advice due to the worsening weather conditions.
People travelling should take extra clothing, s shovel, food for 24 hours, water, some rock salt, a sleeping bag if travelling. I looked a right twat getting on the train just now.
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Post by mickyg on Feb 6, 2012 11:49:57 GMT 1
Considering the current weather.....................
What's blue and f***s old ladies?
Hypothermia!
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Post by april13th1970 on Feb 9, 2012 19:26:40 GMT 1
News flash. A dog named Rosie has just walked into a bookies and put 189 000 on Redknapp being next England manager
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