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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Mar 31, 2012 8:01:24 GMT 1
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning "Windows frozen", husband texts back, "Pour some luke warm water over it", wife texts back "Computer completely fooked now"
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Apr 4, 2012 8:32:25 GMT 1
Was in the supermarket yesterday with my two trolleys full of booze when a little old lady got behind me in the queue. She only had a pint of milk so i said "Is that all you've got luv?", she replied "Yes", so i did the decent thing and said "If i was you i'd f*ck off to another till, i'm gonna be ages"
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Post by mickyg on Apr 17, 2012 15:44:55 GMT 1
Sir Alex Ferguson has just released details of Manchester United's new kit for next season.......apparently it's going to consist of black socks, black shorts, black shirts and a whistle!!
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Post by roadchefourstands on Apr 17, 2012 18:11:50 GMT 1
Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital.
"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together..."
said Fabrice
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Apr 19, 2012 20:20:17 GMT 1
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" :
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Apr 22, 2012 8:36:22 GMT 1
I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who'd came off his moped so i frantically rushed over. "Out of the way!" I shouted as I pushed through the crowd. "Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed, "No" I replied "He's got my pizza"
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Apr 25, 2012 11:14:14 GMT 1
Oldies, but I love 'em
TOMMY COOPER 1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.
7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'
11. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. ' 'Is it common, doc?' 'Well, it's not unusual.'
12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.' 'How's that?' 'Oh, don't you start.'
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
20 . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more' 21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Post by roadchefourstands on Apr 26, 2012 10:06:48 GMT 1
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "That's the speaking clock" the drunk replied. "How does it work?" they asked. "Watch" the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For f*ck's sake you wanker, it's ten past three in the morning
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Post by yenilira on May 1, 2012 20:51:45 GMT 1
1) The Perthshire town of Dull is in talks with to twin up with Boring, a small logging town in Oregon, USA.
If that prospect is too exciting for the good citizens of Boring, the Dullards could do worse than team up with Bland County, Virginia.
2) There was a wee mistake when a fragment of a meteorite from Mars was sent to the Scottish Universities Environmental Research Centre in Glasgow.
It was actually delivered to the home of the deep-fried Mars Bar, the Carron Fish Bar in Stonehaven.
Apparently it tasted out of this world....
3) The thief of £2,000-worth of koi carp from a pond in Lockerbie has been unmasked by police as an otter.
Apparently, the carp owner asked the cops to tarka look at the evidence to see if something otter be done.
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on May 3, 2012 10:54:18 GMT 1
It all began with an iPhone... March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't? I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad. Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch. My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon. It was around then that the fight started... I explained that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. (This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.) I should be out of the hospital next week!! PS: iHurt!!!
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Post by yenilira on May 3, 2012 20:17:54 GMT 1
You look a bit frazzled there, Sher!
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on May 3, 2012 20:29:07 GMT 1
it hurt lol
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Post by april13th1970 on May 7, 2012 16:46:10 GMT 1
I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £1 (Volume Stuck On Full)”.
I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
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Post by april13th1970 on May 8, 2012 22:55:30 GMT 1
We always loved my mum's parents, Pearl and Dean. Of course we knew them as Granny and Grandpapa-p'pa-p'pa-p'pa-pahpahpah...
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on May 30, 2012 6:58:57 GMT 1
Wife goes to the Doctors with her husband for a check up, afterwards the Doc call's the wife in on her own. "Your husband is suffering from severe stress, do as I say and he may live".
"Each morning give him oral sex, cook him a good meal every night, be pleasant at all times, don't nag him and give him full sex 3 times a week, in a few years he will be fully fit again".
On the way home the husband asks "what did the doctor say"?
Wife replies "your gonna die"
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Post by april13th1970 on May 30, 2012 20:29:15 GMT 1
I was at the doctor's today, I asked him if he had anything for wind ?
He gave me a kite
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Jun 9, 2012 18:09:21 GMT 1
Aussie Etiquette
In General: 1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 3. It's tacky to take a girl friend with your wife to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral. Dining Out: 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine. 2. If drinking directly from the box, hold it with only one hand. Entertaining in Your Home: 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.. 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners. Personal Hygeine: 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery. Theatre/Cinema Etiquette: 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends. 2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. Weddings: 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cumber-bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. 3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion. Driving Etiquette: 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight. 2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jun 10, 2012 12:35:47 GMT 1
shocked they are that well educated lol
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jun 17, 2012 17:48:17 GMT 1
Anne Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on so when a guy goes down he can have a bevvy as well. However, anti-drink campaigner's want it banned amid fears of 24hr minge drinking!
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Post by april13th1970 on Jun 20, 2012 22:22:17 GMT 1
Ronaldo: "I was sent to this Earth by the God of football to make the game beautiful again."
Ian Holloway: "I don't remember sending anyone."
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jun 21, 2012 7:05:55 GMT 1
very good
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jun 21, 2012 7:08:47 GMT 1
Just seen a bloke in the supermarket with his cock in a jar of mayonnaise.....I thought "Fookin hellman!"
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Jun 21, 2012 16:01:55 GMT 1
Getting worse !!!!
Lovin' 'em
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Jun 21, 2012 16:03:05 GMT 1
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...........I'm a rabbit in Norfolk !!!
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jun 22, 2012 13:52:35 GMT 1
Tributes are pouring in today for my sons hamster who sadly passed away yesterday.......He died at the wheel.
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