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Post by yenilira on Nov 3, 2011 19:51:22 GMT 1
In the village a woman was giving birth to her child and as it was a difficult birth the relatives waited for many hours. So they sent for the Hodja. He came, listened to their story and went away. He returned in a few moments with a toy that made a squeaking sound. They asked him why and he said: “Because the child will hear the “voice” of the toy and will very quickly come out to play.”
(Taken from the Turkish).
YL.
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Post by yenilira on Nov 4, 2011 1:52:09 GMT 1
A Turk who was carpenter was working with his son, suddenly the electric saw breaks and chops his ear off, and after a few minutes searching his son finds an ear and says to his dad, is this your ear? Dad says, no, mine had a pencil behind it.
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Post by april13th1970 on Nov 4, 2011 23:13:23 GMT 1
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Post by april13th1970 on Nov 6, 2011 12:39:44 GMT 1
Someone passed wind in the lift the other day, which was wrong on so many levels
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Post by yenilira on Nov 11, 2011 21:25:30 GMT 1
Medical School : A medical professor had just finished a lecture on the subject of mental health and started to give an oral quiz to the first years. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the senior doctor asked, 'How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?' A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, 'A Premiership football coach?'
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Post by yenilira on Nov 12, 2011 1:08:39 GMT 1
Just a point, to all those who have been wondering why I haven't put forward any footballing jokes from Turkey........this (part) article from a local paper explains it quite succinctly:
“Though tradition of celebrating April 1 as an April Fools’ Day is not as widespread in Turkey as in the Western world, still young Turkish people try to keep up with the world. Joking on your Turkish friends, remember: any jokes about football are not advisable.
Football in Turkey is a holy topic, as holy as religion and political opinions.” (source: Mahmutlar News) So now you know – they don't 'do' footie jokes....
YL.
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Post by april13th1970 on Nov 12, 2011 11:31:56 GMT 1
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Post by yenilira on Nov 12, 2011 11:38:49 GMT 1
Much akin to Italy's scandal - if not worse - where one team even got demoted to the second div.
Money raises its ugly head yet again.
YL.
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Post by yenilira on Nov 16, 2011 13:25:37 GMT 1
Two allotment thieves were caught after police held an identity parade of vegetables.
Growers in Cambridgeshire were able to pick out their produce from a line-up after the cabbage-knicking criminals were nabbed with a bag of stolen fruit 'n' veg.
The judge didn't accept the miscreants' defence that the evidence had been planted....
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Post by april13th1970 on Nov 19, 2011 12:03:31 GMT 1
50 Reasons Not to date a photographer :-
1.They rather hold their bulky camera, than hold hands with you. 2.On a romantic date, you’ll watch the sun go down and think “Wow this is gorgeous” and they’ll go “mirror lock, tripod, and stop down f/8 at 1/125.” 3.You’ll never be able to enjoy tv, movies, or magazines because they’ll point out all the visual flaws. 4.They like to sit in obscure coffee shop and voyeuristically watch people for great lengths of time. 5.If you’re taking a walk outside and you come across some “interesting light” they will make you sit/stand/pose in public so that they can take a photo. 6.You’ll never get to enjoy freshly cooked meals because they’ll spend 15 minutes taking 20 variations of the same dish with their iPhone. 7.They get angry when your friends go up to them and say “I am interested in photography, can you recommend a good camera for me? Nothing professional I just want to take pretty pictures.” 8.You’ll wait longer for them to finish analyzing art in a museum than you’ll wait at the dmv 9.Same goes with old used bookstores. 10.When you think they’re giving you their undivided attention, they’re really wondering how they could fix you with a little Clone Tool and Patch Tool. 11.Or they are actually using you to not look so creepy as they people watch everything going on around you. 12.They rather drop $1,000+ on new glass than a purse for you. 13.You can’t take a photo with them without taking at least five more. 14.If you ask them if you look fat, they’ll say “don’t worry I can photoshop you later.” 15.They’ll never photoshop something simple for you if the content is not up to their “standards.” 16.That photo they randomly took of you yesterday? Good luck getting them to send it to you. 17.They spend all their time on the computer (and not for porn.) 18.They can’t have a normal conversation with throwing acronyms and random numbers. 19.They still use film cameras. 20.They spend a lot of time with people cooler than you i.e. models, actors, musicians, successful rich people. 21.They’ll be fussy over the position of a common household object, like a coffee cup. 22.They won’t return your calls or text messages, but you can bet they’re still posting pics on Instagram. 23.They like watching old films that you’ve never heard or will ever understand. 24.They like looking at weird things in general. 25.Instead of having penis-envy, they have camera-gear-envy. 26.If there’s a natural disaster in a far away land, they’re already on a plane going over there. 27.Everything is watermarked. 28.They think everyone else’s photos suck. 29.They want to color correct a lot of scenes from Twilight and Jersey Shore. 30.They hate rainbows, especially ones spinning in a circle. 31.Whenever you’re in a group talking and the conversation goes deep, they’re taking notes in some form of Moleskin. 32.They use over priced Moleskin notebooks. 33.They like trespassing into old abandoned buildings filled with health hazards. 34.They always want to show a new photo they took, but don’t really care if you like it or not. 35.They hate your n00bie friend’s new artsy profile picture. 36.Bright, sunny days make them sad, but cloudy, overcast days are apparently great! 37.They’ll take you into places that have “culture” as well a high chance of getting mugged. 38.Your birthday present will be a portrait that they’ve taken of you. 39.You can’t go anywhere new without them stopping to take a photo of everything and anything. 40.They will always bug you to be a test subject. 41.Nothing can ever be naturally pretty, everything must be fixed in Photoshop. 42.Bringing their camera means, bringing 50lbs of equipment. 43.If you break any of their things on accident, you’ll owe them thousands of dollars. 44.You can’t get them a birthday/Christmas present without spending at least $500 45.They are natural hoarders, collecting and keeping piles of old newspapers, packaging, magazines, and other things that “inspire” them. 46.They are weird and geeky. 47.They have hard drives of photos, but probably have printed 10 images. 48.They are always secretly judging your creativity. 49.If you’re ever in auto mode, they laugh at you. 50.They orgasm every time they learn a new lighting technique.
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Post by roadchefourstands on Nov 19, 2011 12:11:43 GMT 1
I just rang the Tinnitus Helpline.
Bloody useless, it just kept ringing
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Post by Motty on Nov 19, 2011 14:16:55 GMT 1
Oh dear roads
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Post by roadchefourstands on Nov 19, 2011 14:22:39 GMT 1
ha ha motty, had to keep it clean, Yeni's around.
you here for the match??
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Post by Motty on Nov 19, 2011 15:26:27 GMT 1
Yeps im here mate, albeit while kid sitting arghhh
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Post by yenilira on Nov 20, 2011 16:19:17 GMT 1
The Olympic Torch will be carried through the Eastenders home borough of Walford on its way to the London 2012 Games next summer. Rumours that Dot Cotton will use it to light a ciggie as it passes Albert Square's launderette are yet to be confirmed....
YL.
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Post by mickyg on Nov 21, 2011 10:42:21 GMT 1
I just heard that Egypt don't like the Flintstones but Abu Dabi do.............. ;D
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Post by april13th1970 on Nov 21, 2011 19:19:05 GMT 1
I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "fucking kids!", and it played Michael Jackson.
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Post by april13th1970 on Nov 22, 2011 9:03:45 GMT 1
Apple was going to make a smaller version of the ipod Touch for kids, but then they realized iTouch kids might not be the best name.
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Post by april13th1970 on Nov 22, 2011 19:43:06 GMT 1
Downsizing Christmas
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavourable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury, which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a- mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings, which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinise the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
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Post by yenilira on Nov 23, 2011 14:19:13 GMT 1
Very p.c. YL.
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Post by yenilira on Nov 23, 2011 14:21:26 GMT 1
Once (“upon a time”?) a lion escaped from the Ankara zoo and hid in the basement floor of the parliament building in downtown Ankara. He caught and ate the Turkish Prime Minister first, and no one noticed. Then he gobbled down a couple of other party leaders and important bureaucrats. Still, no one was interested. He munched on some newspaper editors and business CEOs. No one cared.
But when he made a snack out of the cayci (the tea seller) the city got up in arms, searching and scouring each building until they found and captured the missing lion........
No one messes with a Turk's tea and lives to tell the tale.
YL.
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Post by yenilira on Nov 26, 2011 13:02:09 GMT 1
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Post by yenilira on Nov 27, 2011 14:42:35 GMT 1
Staff at an Aberdeen dog home are looking for a new owners for 4-year old mongrel Dodan - but he was brought up in a Polish-speaking home and only understands commands in that language.
That might explain why your Afghan hound ignores everything you say....... - and as for the Siamese cat.........
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Post by yenilira on Nov 28, 2011 11:36:19 GMT 1
A man wrongly accused of smuggling drugs into Australia has been awarded £65,000 compensation after it was discovered his two bottles of Pantene Pro-V shampoo and conditioner contained, yes Protene Pro-V shampoo and conditioner.
Just as well they didn't find the stash of Head 'n' Shoulders hidden in his hand luggage.
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Post by tangerinerob79 on Nov 28, 2011 19:17:09 GMT 1
An Irishman was found guilty of trying to blow up a car!
"He failed as he burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe"
I'm here all week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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