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Post by april13th1970 on Aug 13, 2011 0:05:38 GMT 1
Manchester's Gay Village is on fire due to the riots , police and firemen are at the scene along with a cowboy a construction worker and a red indian.
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Post by april13th1970 on Aug 13, 2011 8:37:39 GMT 1
Apparently the riots in Tottenham started when it was announced that Harry Redknapp had put a bid in for Emile Heskey
And the riots in Birmingham started when the bid had been rejected
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Post by april13th1970 on Aug 13, 2011 8:39:43 GMT 1
A 6 foot 6 plank was thrown through a window during the Tottenham riots . . . .
. . . . but apparently Peter Crouch is recovering nicely
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Aug 22, 2011 18:12:22 GMT 1
The Football Association today proudly unveiled Total, fcuk and UPS as the new sponsors of the England football team. ‘The combination of these three corporate giants perfectly captures the ethos of the England side,’ said an FA spokesman. ‘After all, they had nothing in the tank when it counted, and they’ve proved themselves to be a bunch of expensive posers who always fail to deliver.’ The new shirts come in a range of bright ‘easy to spot’ colours after claims from England players that the old kit was painted in ‘magic invisible ink’ which made it impossible to pick out an easy and obvious pass to a team mate. The new shirts are also made of a super lightweight material, unlike the old tops which were apparently made of extra-heavy chain mail which left the Premiership stars lumbering around looking exhausted and unfit.
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Aug 23, 2011 9:19:14 GMT 1
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE
A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said Yes but what would I get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.
I thought…That’s Fair….Tit for Tat.
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I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.
Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.
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Why men shouldn’t be Agony aunts.
Dear Phil I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn’t start. I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter. They announced that the affair had been going on for two years. Can you help me…I’m desperate.
Dear Reader The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps. Phil.
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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.
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Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day” She said “Don’t get f*cking lippy” I said “Mascara it is then!”
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I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!.
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…………………Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.
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Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?” He said “ No….it’s burning my @rse”.
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You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.
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News just in….There’s a female ref for the United v City match. The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.
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Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NO BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it up! -----------------------------------------------------
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Sept 9, 2011 17:25:19 GMT 1
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said "Sorry about the wait". I said "Don't worry, you're bound to lose it eventually.
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Post by april13th1970 on Sept 14, 2011 22:03:10 GMT 1
I bumped into an old mate today.He said, "What you up to these days?"I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down 'n' outs."He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?"I said, "No, I'm a chef in a Wetherspoons pub."
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Sept 14, 2011 23:29:49 GMT 1
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.
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Post by april13th1970 on Sept 20, 2011 19:11:56 GMT 1
Apparently next year's season ticket applications for PNE will include the question "Have you been circumcised ?" and anyone answering yes will be refused a season ticket as you have to be a Complete Prick to support PNE
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Sept 22, 2011 14:31:59 GMT 1
For those who have travelled with Ryanair.
Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair. Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said "That will be one Euro please Mr O'Leary". Somewhat taken aback O'Leary replied, "That's a very competitive price" and handed over the money. "Will you be wanting a glass with that", enquired the barman.
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Sept 27, 2011 8:17:14 GMT 1
Teacher: Talking about Christmas
Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have
brought happiness and peace into people's lives?
Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.
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Post by april13th1970 on Sept 30, 2011 19:43:24 GMT 1
Sex is a lot like playing Bridge
you need a good partner or a darned good hand
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Post by roadchefourstands on Sept 30, 2011 23:24:44 GMT 1
I've just ordered the personal number plate B88 BAA.
Should look cool on my black jeep.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Oct 24, 2011 12:27:16 GMT 1
One for the girls........................
He didn't like the casserole and he didn't like my cake,
he said my bisciuits were to hard, not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right, he didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks, the way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer, I was looking for a clue,
Then I turned around and smashed the shit out of him,
Like his mother used to do.
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Post by yenilira on Oct 24, 2011 15:28:28 GMT 1
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Post by yenilira on Oct 24, 2011 20:31:42 GMT 1
A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.” The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that f'n smirk off your face.”
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Post by yenilira on Oct 25, 2011 12:38:53 GMT 1
The pro football team had just about finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
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Post by april13th1970 on Oct 25, 2011 20:17:25 GMT 1
The barman says "I'm sorry, we don't serve Faster than light sub-atomic particles in here"
A Tachyon walks into a bar
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Post by yenilira on Oct 25, 2011 20:54:45 GMT 1
Dear Yenilira,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ..... And there's your money back in duty/tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
Also..... Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJs and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Think about this (more points of contention):
COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also; Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone --
YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!
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Post by yenilira on Oct 26, 2011 21:09:21 GMT 1
Ýn olden times three friends an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Turk were caught looking through the window of the harem. The Sultan heard of this event and was very agitated and decided to castrate them according to their profession as punishment. the Englishman was asked what was his job '''i'm tailor''....ok ''cut him with scissors'' they asked the Frenchman 'Ý'm a woodcutter'' ok ''cut him with an axe'' the Turk's turn came and he was breathless with . Curiously they asked him 'hey.why are you .a little later you going to be castrated. ''I am a bir dondurma adamýn *, ..lick lick....how will you finish it.... that's what I'm wondering'' YL. * an ice cream man.
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Post by april13th1970 on Oct 26, 2011 22:34:34 GMT 1
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Nov 3, 2011 10:07:37 GMT 1
Adults only !!!!!
Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend who he had not been seeing for very long. Chris consulted with his sister and decided that a pair of good quality gloves would be ideal... not too romantic, not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Mary, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Chris P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Nov 3, 2011 10:15:37 GMT 1
This one is for all us self employed heros!! Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
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Post by yenilira on Nov 3, 2011 15:56:36 GMT 1
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought turkey sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a turkey sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating turkey, don't you like it anymore?"
She said, "I love it, but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he said.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt, he looked and said "That's right you are, better not eat any more turkey."
He kept eating his turkey sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating turkey. I'm starting to get feathers down there too."
She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and gizzards!!!"
YL.
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Post by yenilira on Nov 3, 2011 16:33:54 GMT 1
A somewhat jaundiced View of a Christmas Rhyme:
You know the one that goes....
"We three kings of Orient are Bearing gifts we traverse afar Field and fountain, moor and mountain Following yonder star..."
Well, Navigation by yonder stars is not advised and we would politely suggest that traversing kings make use of satellite navigation or a recognised internet route-finder prior to commencing their journey. This will ensure the quickest route and most optimal journey with regard to fuel consumption is identified. In addition, whilst the gift of gold is considered acceptable, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of allergic reaction caused by such oils and fragrances. A suitable alternative may be a gift voucher.
OK, OK, I know it's only 7 weeks to Christmas.....
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