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Post by april13th1970 on Jun 10, 2011 17:48:08 GMT 1
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed. all they need now is one with a 40,075,035,535mm lens so she can see if her bum really does look big in that
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jun 15, 2011 18:28:26 GMT 1
100 supporters are protesting at Villa Park, West Midlands Police have confirmed it's the best atmosphere they've seen down there in years
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jun 24, 2011 22:50:40 GMT 1
These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS (National Health Service) Greater Glasgow:
1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31.. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
For the sake of your health - stay away from hospital!
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jun 24, 2011 22:51:35 GMT 1
think number 9 is my fav
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Post by yenilira on Jun 27, 2011 14:00:43 GMT 1
...bust-up in the biscuit tin....? A bandit called Rocky, a retired Drifter, who was crackers, hit a Penguin from Montana over the head with a Club. Tied him to a Wagon Wheel, stole a Trophy then made his Breakaway in a Taxi. The police say that Rocky, a smart Cookie, was last night seen After Eight by a Viscount who was Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut. Sadly, the police do not have a Crumb of evidence.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Jun 27, 2011 15:14:06 GMT 1
Sounds crackers to me.
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Post by yenilira on Jun 27, 2011 21:51:51 GMT 1
Here's another from Glasgow:
The Madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is our most expensive lady. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, he pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
Next night the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie said that never before had anyone come back the next night; she was so expensive. There were no discounts; the price was still £5000.
At once the man gave Valerie the money and they went upstairs. After an hour he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded, but he paid Valerie and they again went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." he said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person.”
The moral of the story:
Three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
YL.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Jul 1, 2011 9:28:05 GMT 1
Your memory plays tricks on you as you get older, only yesterday checking the car over on the driveway I wandered into the garage for something but once inside could not remember what I wanted. Yesterday evening an email from the US with a joke was in my mailbox, here it is.
A group of girl friends, all age 40 discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.
Later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70 the friends discussed where they should have their lunch and the Ocean View was chosen because it was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years late, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jul 1, 2011 17:40:58 GMT 1
A real women is a mans best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecurte and comfort him after abad day. She will inspire him to express his deepest emotions and give into his most intimate desires, she will make him feel confident and sexy, seductive and invincible.... . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . No wait.... I'm thinking of Beer, It's beer thats does that Sorry.
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jul 1, 2011 17:43:15 GMT 1
Europe has decided it is no longer aceptable to call people ilegal imagrants or assylum seekers.. they should be known as Travelers without Authority to Stay, or T.W.A.T.S for short
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jul 6, 2011 6:58:41 GMT 1
Second Opinion! The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life. I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...' I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..' The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.' I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. I tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and /2 neck.' I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36. I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.' New suit - 400 pounds New shirt - 36 pounds New underwear - 6 pounds Second Opinion - PRICELESS
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Jul 15, 2011 16:29:36 GMT 1
OWED TWO A SPELL CHEQUER
Eye halve a spelling chequer, it came with my pea sea. It plainly marques, four my revue, ...miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a quay and type a word and weight four it two say, Weather eye am wrong oar write it shows me strait a weigh...
As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long. And eye can put the error rite, it's rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it, ..I am shore your pleased two no. Its letter perfect awl the weigh, my chequer tolled me sew.
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Post by april13th1970 on Jul 17, 2011 19:58:57 GMT 1
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain, “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Post by april13th1970 on Jul 17, 2011 20:05:54 GMT 1
Audi announce new range of colours
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Post by april13th1970 on Jul 21, 2011 18:36:00 GMT 1
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo (a cuddly toy which laughs when tickled) factory. The Personnel Manager explains her duties and tells her to report to work promptly at 8.00am. The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the Personnel Manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager starts hysterically. After several minutes he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says "I am sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday, I said, your job is to give Elmo "two test tickles".
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jul 25, 2011 13:03:53 GMT 1
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the fish who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions’ cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The other lion answers: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Aug 3, 2011 7:26:53 GMT 1
A new way to avoid any alcohol issues while driving. I went out with some friends last night in the car and had too many drinks. Knowing that I was way over the limit, I did something that I have never done before, I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Aug 3, 2011 7:28:06 GMT 1
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Aug 5, 2011 15:43:59 GMT 1
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep. NEW WINE FOR SENIORS
I kid you not...
New Wine for Seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE I just could not help it. Sorry !
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Post by april13th1970 on Aug 5, 2011 18:30:09 GMT 1
Never heard of that one but I heard of Essex Wine . . . . .
"Aw Darren, I wanna go to Lakeside"
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Post by april13th1970 on Aug 5, 2011 18:31:57 GMT 1
There are four types of orgasm.
The positive. Yes Yes Yes yes yes !!!!!!!!! yyyyyeeeeeeeessss The negative. No Noooo NNNoooooooooooooo! The religious. Jesus. Oh God. Oh God. Jesus. Good Gooooodddd alll ******* mighty. The perfect. Oh April !! OH APRIL !!!
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Aug 6, 2011 8:45:31 GMT 1
I see the self esteem course is going well!
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Aug 6, 2011 12:02:51 GMT 1
If a long condom goes on a long prick and a short condom goes on a short prick!
what should you put on a thick prick? . . . . .
A pne top!!!
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Aug 6, 2011 12:30:46 GMT 1
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Post by april13th1970 on Aug 13, 2011 0:03:21 GMT 1
Rioting Looters broke into the Preston North End trophy cabinet . . . . police are looking for 2 youths dressed in cobwebs
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