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Post by yeoldetangerine on May 9, 2011 17:31:59 GMT 1
Seem to remember Sandgrownun telling us this was going to happen a while ago. Poor little Preston, can dish it out but can't take it
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Post by april13th1970 on May 9, 2011 17:53:18 GMT 1
Seems totally inappropriate to me !!!
I mean, come on, we could have done the job properly and dropped Tangerine & White ticker tape on their ground
After all, it's unlikely it would have hit anyone !!
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Post by april13th1970 on May 10, 2011 6:20:30 GMT 1
A girl I know of bought a dog and called it "Stains"
She doesn't half get some funny looks in the park when she shouts "Come, Stains"
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Post by whitstabletangerin on May 10, 2011 8:55:37 GMT 1
SHERLOCK HOLMES and Dr WATSON go on a camping trip and after a good diner and bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep. Some hours later Holmes wakes and nudges his faithful friend, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see". "I see a million stars", Watson replies. "And what do you deduce from that", asked Holmes. Watson ponders for a moment, "Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is a quarter past three. Meteorologically I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow". "But what does it tell you". Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot", he says, "SOMEONE HAS STOLEN OUR TENT."
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Post by yeoldetangerine on May 13, 2011 12:47:13 GMT 1
Drink Driving.. THIS is absolutely brilliant!
Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
A true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland .
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test...
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the man, 'Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy'.
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Post by mickyg on May 17, 2011 15:33:28 GMT 1
Bloody Spanish waiters......the poor woman wanted decaffeinated!
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on May 17, 2011 17:57:26 GMT 1
oh dear wondered when some one would onto the thin ice with a joke about it...
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Post by mickyg on May 18, 2011 10:18:32 GMT 1
Sorry Sherlock but I was reading a holiday brochure and apparantly Tenerife's a wonderfull place to go and take the weight off your shoulders......
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Post by yeoldetangerine on May 22, 2011 20:50:27 GMT 1
A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time..... ....................................................................................
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits. ......................................................................................... I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin... three hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, those blokes have lost the plot!! ....................................................................................... I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over. .......................................................................................... A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.' ........................................................................................... My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. .......................................................................................... Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not happy. .......................................................................................... My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something waterproof and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her bathroom scales. ........................................................................................... I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. ............................................................................................ I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it! ........................................................................................... The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English. ....................................................................................... I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’. ........................................................................................ On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ – I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'
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Post by april13th1970 on May 23, 2011 5:59:51 GMT 1
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable?’”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow.”
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on May 23, 2011 7:58:04 GMT 1
lol first time i think i have laughed in the last 12 hours
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Post by whitstabletangerin on May 23, 2011 10:03:09 GMT 1
Four surgeons are taking a tea break. 1st surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything is numbered". 2nd surgeon says, "Nope, librarians are best. Everythink inside is in alphabettical order". 3rd surgeion says, "You should try electricians. Everythink inside them is colour coded. 4th surgeion, " I prefer Leicester City fans. They are heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and a...es are interchangeable".
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Post by april13th1970 on May 24, 2011 18:08:30 GMT 1
God was very impressed with Noah's work on the ark. In fact, so impressed that He decided to call him again...
Noah, Noah, it's God here
Yes God, how are you?
Well, good thanks. Hey, do you remember that ark I told you to build some time ago?
Yeah, of course. That was a big job.
Well, I thought you did a flippin good job so I'd like you to build another one. Would you be up to the job?
Yeah, I suppose so. Do you want an ark with the same specifications as the last one?
Yeah, roughly. I want loads of decks on it.
Okay, and also animals?
Yeah, actually fish. To be more precise, I want you to fill it with carp.
Right, so it must be an ark with several decks and filled with carp?
Yep, that's right.
Okay, no problem God. But can I ask you why you need this ark?
Oh, I just thought it would be fun to have my own multi-storey carp-ark.
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on May 26, 2011 9:08:50 GMT 1
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Post by yeoldetangerine on May 26, 2011 14:28:11 GMT 1
Wanted Ad in local paper A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!" The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
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Post by april13th1970 on May 27, 2011 18:07:53 GMT 1
A penguin is driving through Arizona (as they do) on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.
The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk.
He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream.
Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth-a total mess.
He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"
The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream!"
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Post by yeoldetangerine on May 27, 2011 20:08:46 GMT 1
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.' ________________________________________
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Post by yenilira on May 27, 2011 21:00:39 GMT 1
An open letter to the Army recruiters
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-about-front. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Basic training would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could ease up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
How about recruiting Women over 50 ....in menopause! You think Men have attitudes! Ohhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... they'll have it secured the first night!
YL.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on May 27, 2011 21:48:07 GMT 1
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Post by yenilira on May 28, 2011 16:45:01 GMT 1
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Post by yenilira on May 28, 2011 17:43:47 GMT 1
Sýkarken Nasrettin hoca bir gün yolun kenarýnda kedisini yýkýyormuþ. Yoldan geçen arkadaþý hocaya: Hocam kediyi yýkama ölür, demiþ. Hoca aldýrýþ etmemiþ ve yýkamýþ. Arkadaþý dönüþte hocayý tekrar yolun kenarýnda görmüþ. Kedi ölmüþ. Adam: Hocam ben size kediyi yýkamayýn ölür demedimmi? demiþ.Hoca: Ben kediyi yýkarken ölmediki sýkarken öldü demiþ.
....and a nice wee translation for youse....
Wringing One day, Hodja was washing a cat near a road. One of his friends who was passing by told him: Hodja, don’t wash the cat. Otherwise, it will die. Hodja didn’t take notice of him and went on washing. On his way back, the man saw Hodja with the dead cat. The man told him: Did I not tell you? If you wash a cat, it will die. Hodja replied immediately: It didn’t die when I was washing it, it died while I was wringing it.
YL.
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on May 29, 2011 15:28:36 GMT 1
A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'd like to have a Bin Laden, please." The bartender says "Never heard of that one. How's it made?" The guy says "Easy...two shots, and a splash of water."
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jun 2, 2011 9:39:46 GMT 1
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks ‘What is wrong’?? The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’ ‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’?? The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Jun 3, 2011 16:58:35 GMT 1
A blonde goes to the doctor's with two red ears. "How did you get those red ears," the doctor asked. "Well I was ironing when the phone rang and put the iron to my ear intstead of the phone," replied the blonde. "So how did you get the other ear red", asked the doctor. The blonde replied, "The bar....d phoned me back later".
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jun 10, 2011 8:54:40 GMT 1
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
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