Three guys (a Seasider, a Dingle and a nobber) were out fishing when one caught a mermaid.
She offers to grant each fisherman one wish, in exchange for her freedom.
"Alright, double my IQ" says the Seasider.
"Done," says the mermaid, and to his amazement he began to recite Shakespeare!
The Dingle was so staggered that he forgot all about making his dick larger, and said to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ!"
"Done," says the mermaid, and he started deducing solutions to mathematical problems that he had never even realised existed. The nobber was beside himself. "Quintuple my IQ" he screamed.
The mermaid looked at him and said, "Normally I wouldn’t try to change someone’s mind about a wish, but I’d really like you to reconsider."
The nobber shook his head stubbornly. "No, I want my IQ increased 5 times! If you don’t do it I won’t set you free."
"Please said the mermaid; it will totally alter your view of the universe."
No matter what the mermaid said, the nobber insisted. So the mermaid sighed and she said, "Done."With that he became a Seasider!
Why did the nobber leave his wife?
She gave birth to twins and he wouldn’t believe her when she said there was no one else!
A nobber walks into a pub and orders 12 shots of the best whisky in the house. The landlord proceeds to fill 12 shot glasses and stares, puzzled, as the nobber begins to drink them down one by one.
As the nobber’s finishing the 11th shot, the landlord asks, "what’s the special occasion mate?"
"I’m celebrating my first blow-job!" says the nobber, as he finishes off the last shot.
"Well" says the landlord, "in that case have one on the house," and he fills up another shot glass.
"No thanks" says the nobber, "if 12 didn’t get the taste out of my mouth, one more wont!
What do you call a nobber with a sheep under his arm?
The Groom!
How do you tell if a nobber’s been in your garden?
Your dustbin is empty and your cat is pregnant!
What do you call a nobber with two sheep under his arms?
A pimp!
How many intelligent nobbers does it take to change a lightbulb?
All two of them!
Why don’t nobbers have mid-life crises?
Because they remain permanently stuck in adolescence!
Then there was the nobber who though that Antwerp was a silly woman and that Brittany Ferries was a teenage popstar!
What’s the difference between a puppy and a nobber?
Eventually the puppy will grow up, become house-trained and stop whining!
A nobber walks into a chemist and asks for a pack of condoms. "That’ll be £5 including the tax" says the shopkeeper
"Tacks!" exclaims the nobber, "so that’s how you put em on!"
A nobber is standing pissing into a fountain, in the middle of Oslo, when a copper comes up to him and says, "Hey, put it away!"
The nobber shoves his dick into his trousers and does up the zip.
As the copper walks away, the nobber starts
.
"Okay" says the copper, "what’s so funny?"
"Fooled you" beams the nobber, "I may have put it away, but I didn’t stop!"
A nobber was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later he was back at the doctor’s complaining that his constipation was getting worse, not better.
The doctor asked, "have you been taking the suppositories regularly?"
"What do you think I’ve been doing?" said the nobber. "Shoving them up my arse?"
Why has Guinness got a white head on it?
So that nobbers know which end to drink first!
Why did the nobber farmer feed his chickens whisky?
Because he Was hoping they would lay scotch eggs!
A nobber is walking home one day, when he stops to ask someone the time.
On getting his reply the nobber says, "I don’t get it! That’s the fourth person I’ve asked and I’ve got a different answer each time!"
A nobber goes to the cinema, buys a ticket and goes in.
He returns to the ticket desk two minutes later and buys another ticket.
Two minutes later he returns and asks to buy a third ticket.
"Do you realise?" says the girl in the ticket office, "that’s the third time you’ve bought a ticket?"
"Yes" replies the nobber, "but every time I go to watch the movie, some bloke takes it from me and tears it in half!"