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Post by yenilira on Feb 21, 2011 14:04:58 GMT 1
All females walk a good bit behind the menfolk according to the Muslim religion, no matter what country they're in.
Very topical joke there Micky. #ok#
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Feb 21, 2011 14:46:49 GMT 1
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.
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Post by yenilira on Feb 21, 2011 15:47:40 GMT 1
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Post by yenilira on Feb 22, 2011 1:23:06 GMT 1
...and one to bring the evening to a close.... Burnley Fan: (on PNE 606 board): Hi guys, Burnley Fan 'in peace', We are at your place on Saturday, and not been before, how about some directions? Thanx. And where to park the car? 'Pool Fan: [who manages to nip in before pne make a reply] Come off the M6 at junction 31 (Tickled Trout Hotel) on to Preston A59 . Follow road up the hill and at the first roundabout with the Hesketh Arms PH facing you, Cemetery on your right hand side. Nice quiet residental area that. Take the right fork here. (A5085) Straight through lights - past shopping mall on right, then fire station on left. Shortly after this point, you should see Dumpdale behind the houses on your left standing out like the two-thirds empty carbuncle it is. By the way - Preston is a dump. Do the rest of the country a favour and take some matches, petrol, and kindling with you. #ok# Parking? Oh, anywhere, really. Mind you, they charge extra for every brick over 6 per wheel when they exchange them for your tyres. (They need the money with what TH has done to the club!) Have a nice trip. ;D YL. p.s. When I put a similar post on the nobber's 606 board about a year ago, they weren't exactly enamoured towards me. I wonder why?
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Post by yenilira on Feb 24, 2011 13:18:20 GMT 1
You guys lost your sense of humour, or summat? Ain't been a post on here for two days now..... Is it because due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off...?
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Post by mickyg on Feb 24, 2011 13:35:51 GMT 1
Did I tell you, Yeni, about my fat, alcoholic, transvestite friend? It's a shame really but nobody ever took the time to try and understand him and all he ever wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
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Post by yenilira on Feb 24, 2011 14:07:17 GMT 1
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Post by mickyg on Feb 24, 2011 14:31:48 GMT 1
How do environmentally aware ghost hunters get from job to job?
Exorcise bike of course!
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Post by yeoldetangerine on Feb 24, 2011 14:37:14 GMT 1
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
14. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
15. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
16. A backward poet writes inverse.
17. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
18. A vulture boards an air plane, carrying two dead rac**CENSORED**s. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
19. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
20. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
21. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
22. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
23. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Post by yenilira on Feb 24, 2011 17:17:01 GMT 1
Some good ones there.
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Post by april13th1970 on Feb 24, 2011 19:36:31 GMT 1
I saw a drunken Italian stuck up a tree last night . . . .
. . . . he was a "high tiddly eyetie"
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Post by yenilira on Feb 24, 2011 21:19:29 GMT 1
April - just a quick question: What the f*** was he doing stuck up a tree? YL.
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Post by mickyg on Feb 25, 2011 15:35:07 GMT 1
With the World Cup being played at the moment, I thought you might like this one........
Q. If you've got a cricket ball in your left hand and a cricket ball in your right hand, what have you got?
A. The undivided attention of a cricket!
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Feb 25, 2011 16:14:28 GMT 1
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Post by sandgrown'un on Feb 25, 2011 16:26:55 GMT 1
Welsh joke
At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink one.
The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink Willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the boyo who painted it!" he replied. "In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Welsh miners. Him in the middle went home for lunch."
Boom! Boom!
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Post by yenilira on Feb 25, 2011 17:54:18 GMT 1
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Post by yenilira on Feb 26, 2011 13:50:12 GMT 1
...and now for one for the glamour-pus.....
Bu güzellik, bu gülüþ, bu zeka, bu akýl, hele þu anlamý bakan gözlerin büyüsü. Allah bütün güzellikleri bir yerde toplamýþ.neyse benden çok bahsettik senden naber?
Beautiful eyes, those sexy lips. that wonderful face. God put all the nicest things in one place,
Anyway, enough about me....how are you?
YL.
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Post by yenilira on Feb 28, 2011 1:31:40 GMT 1
..just a gentle one for first thing in the morning....
If you delete this message from your mobile, it’s because you love me.
If you save it it’s because you miss me.
If you ignore it it’s because you want me,
and if you reply it’s because you want to
****me.
So what you gonna do with IT?
YL.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 28, 2011 17:11:08 GMT 1
Striker, I had an open goal and still didn't score, I could kick myself. Manager, I wouldn't bother, you'd probably miss.
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Post by bigjohncraven on Feb 28, 2011 17:14:25 GMT 1
guy pulls an older woman at a club. she is 58 and looking good for her age. on the way back to her house he is thinking 'i bet her daughter is hot' , when out of the blue she asks if he'd like a 'sportsmans double'. 'what's that?' he asks 'its a mother and daughter threesome' she replies 'WOW yes please' he says, so as they go in the front door she puts the light on and shouts upstairs 'mum are you still awake?'.....
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Feb 28, 2011 20:30:41 GMT 1
i feel sick, hope he took some lube with him
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Post by yenilira on Feb 28, 2011 20:48:20 GMT 1
......and here's one just to raise the tone of the joke thread a little bit as.........
Mulla Nasruddin Delivers A Sermon.
Once, Nasreddin was invited to deliver a sermon at the Mosque. When he got on the pulpit, he asked, “Do you know what I am going to say?” The audience replied “no”, so he announced, “I have no desire to speak to people who don’t even know what I will be talking about!” and left.
The people felt embarrassed and called him back again the next day. This time, when he asked the same question, the people replied “yes”. So Nasruddin said, “Well, since you already know what I am going to say, I won’t waste any more of your time!” and left.
Now the people were really perplexed. They decided to try one more time and once again invited the Mullah to speak the following week. Once again he asked the same question – “Do you know what I am going to say?” Now the people were prepared and so half of them answered “yes” while the other half replied “no”. So Nasruddin said “Let the half who know what I am going to say, tell it to the half who don’t,” and left.
Note 1: Mulla Nasruddin was a mystic Moslem character believed to have lived in a town situated in modern day country of Turkey during the Seljuk Islamic Empire. There is a large number of jokes and folklore surrounding him and he is the most famous wise-cracker of Middle East.
Note 2: It will be noted that quite a number of the older Turkish ‘jokes’ have a moral behind them.
YL.
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Mar 1, 2011 9:08:14 GMT 1
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Mar 1, 2011 11:56:32 GMT 1
Smoking in the club car, I like that.
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Post by bigjohncraven on Mar 1, 2011 13:46:38 GMT 1
Mulla Nasruddin,now that is definitely one thing I could have bet we wouldn't have in common. Life's full of surprises.
I believe he was a sufi teacher though.
<ridingadonkeysmiley>
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