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Post by april13th1970 on Feb 11, 2011 20:13:19 GMT 1
Wayne Rooney decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience.
He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Colleen stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.
Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.
Colleen stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground.
He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune.....
The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Feb 11, 2011 21:31:23 GMT 1
I thought Mr rooney got in trouble for going bareback a few months ago
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Feb 12, 2011 8:15:49 GMT 1
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds fifty years ago this morning." "Well," the old lady snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal!"
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Post by yenilira on Feb 13, 2011 21:49:43 GMT 1
Just a couple of last minute quickies .... seeing there's nobody around really, you'll all be starting to nod off in readiness for your hot choccies........ Dieting is the penalty for exceeding the feed limit. ~ ~ If you add the year of your birth to the age you will be this year, what do you get? 111. Go on, everybody, try it, and see if I'm wrong. Sweet dreams. YL. p.s. Back tomorrow at the usual time tomorrow, Sherlock?
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Post by yenilira on Feb 13, 2011 23:22:55 GMT 1
.... and here endeth the day...... YL.
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Feb 14, 2011 14:48:54 GMT 1
and here starts a new day ;D
Q. When is a Fairy not a Fairy? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A. When she has her mouth round a Pixie’s dick then she’s a Goblin!!!
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 14, 2011 15:28:36 GMT 1
Avantages of having dogs or cats instead of children
Eat less Come when called Easier to train Don't ask for money Don't drink or smoke Don't hang out with friends whos use drugs Never ask to drive the car Don't have to have the lastest fashions Dont't want to wear your clothes If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Feb 14, 2011 15:31:09 GMT 1
whoops my dog likes to drink maybe thats where i am going wrong lol
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Post by april13th1970 on Feb 14, 2011 19:09:47 GMT 1
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer. 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE
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Post by april13th1970 on Feb 14, 2011 19:10:19 GMT 1
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture...Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors,I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this On their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still LODGED between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event, however, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my activities. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Feb 14, 2011 19:39:49 GMT 1
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Post by Ali on Feb 14, 2011 20:18:57 GMT 1
A genie granted me one wish, "I said I want to live forever". "Sorry I cant grant wishes like that" said the genie. So I said "I want to die when Preston North End reach the premier league" " you crafty bastard" said the genie.
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Post by yenilira on Feb 14, 2011 21:22:33 GMT 1
Ali, sure it's not ifand not when PNE attain promotion to the Prem? YL.
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 15, 2011 11:47:37 GMT 1
CHILDREN............................
We spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and speak
Then the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Post by yenilira on Feb 18, 2011 1:07:42 GMT 1
Bir Kariþ Yastýk A Very Short Pillow - [Lit: A pillow span]
An engaged couple went for a walk on a nice Sunday. There was only one bus service both in the morning and evening to the place they went. The couples went round together being unaware of how fast the time passed and missed the evening service. There was only one hotel in the town they went and only one room left in that hotel so young girl started crying on hearing that. - Oh, what will we do now; we can not stay in the same room as we are not married yet! Young man: don't worry, I even won't touch you. When the night came they went to the room together. The young man kept his word by putting the pillows in the middle of the bed not touching the girl. When the sun rose they set off for home. The young girl had a small hat on her head and while walking, a sudden wind came out and her hat flew behind a high wall. Young girl started crying again. - My God! My lovely hat went away, said the girl. - Young man: Don't worry I will immediately jump over the wall and get it. - Young girl: You couldn't jump over a small pillow last night let alone jumping over this high wall, how come you will do that - said the girl.
Very Mild Turkish Joke.
YL.
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Post by yenilira on Feb 18, 2011 1:52:58 GMT 1
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Post by yenilira on Feb 19, 2011 1:52:04 GMT 1
The Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and President Ataturk died and went all to hell. The Queen Elizabeth said: "I miss England. I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there"....She called and talked for about 5minutes...then she said: "Well, Devil, how much do I owe you? the Devil goes: Five million dollars.”.. “five million dollars!!” She made him a check and went to sit back on her chair.... Bill Clinton was so jealous; He starts screaming: "Me too, I wanna call the United States; I wanna see how everybody is doing too..." He called and talked for about 2 minutes; then he said: “Well, Devil how much do I owe you? the Devil goes: ten million dollars..”.. “. ten million dollars!!!!!!” He made him a check and went to sit back on his chair..... Ataturk was extremely jealous too...he started screaming and screaming: “I want to call Turkiye too, I want to see how everybody is doing there too, I want to talk to the Pashas, to the Talat pasha and others, I want to talk to everybody....” .He called Ankara Turkey and he talked for about twenty hours. He was talking and talking and talking....then he said: well, Devil how much do I owe you? the Devil goes: one dollar”... ..”only one dollar?!!!!! the Devil goes: well, from hell to hell it's local. Very sedate Turkiye joke. YL.
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Post by yenilira on Feb 19, 2011 16:56:42 GMT 1
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus. "Stuff the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
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Post by yenilira on Feb 19, 2011 17:01:14 GMT 1
Eski bir devirde……. Ýn olden times three friends a Englishman a Frenchman and a Turk were caught looking through the window of the harem. The Sultan heard of this event and was very agitated and decided to castrate them according to their profession. The Englishman was asked what was his job '''i'm tailor''....”ok - cut him with scissors'' They asked the Frenchman 'Ý'm a woodcutter'' ….”ok…cut him with an axe'' The Turk’s turn came and he was breathless with . Curiously they asked him 'Hey why are you . A little later you going to be castrated.’ Ben dondurmaciyim, yalaya yalaya nasil bitireceksiniz onu merak ediyorum... ''I am an ice cream man, ..lick lick....how will you finish it……..thats what I’m wondering''
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Post by yenilira on Feb 19, 2011 20:00:45 GMT 1
One day, the Hodja borrowed a pan from his neighbor. After he had finished using it, he took it back to the neighbor with a small pan tucked inside. When the man saw it, he was most surprised. “What is that?” he asked. “Well, said the Hodja, when I borrowed your pan it was pregnant and it brought a child into the world.” The man smiled and accepted them. A few days later the Hodja borrowed the pan again but this time he did not return it. The man was rather cross. He went to the Hodja and asked “What about my pan?” “I am very sorry”, said the Hodja, “but it died.” “Don't make jokes with me”, replied the man, “How can a pan die?” “If you believe that it brought a child into the world”, said the Hodja, “why can't you believe that it died?”
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Post by yenilira on Feb 20, 2011 8:52:47 GMT 1
...and here starts another new day.....
One time there was an army camp in Saklikent that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said,"So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."
YL.
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Post by yenilira on Feb 20, 2011 23:24:09 GMT 1
...and here's one to close the curtains for the evening.......
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street .
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!
YL.
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Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Feb 21, 2011 11:12:50 GMT 1
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Post by whitstabletangerin on Feb 21, 2011 11:31:23 GMT 1
Mr Cadbury, not exactly mr Smartie pants then.
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Post by mickyg on Feb 21, 2011 12:05:11 GMT 1
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before our involvement in the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately hard to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."
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