Post by Tangerine Sherlock on Jan 21, 2013 18:45:09 GMT 1
Dear Karl, (Dark Lord)
RE: POTENTIAL VACANCY FOR BLACKPOOL MANAGER POSITION
I am aware that you are to make a decision on potential manager for the top job in Northwest football.
Well Karl, do you want the good news or the bad news?
OK, GOOD NEWS:
The search is over. You’ve found your man.
BAD NEWS:
There is no bad news.
My experience with football has been plentiful since the age of 5. I nearly completed every Panini Sticker book between 1973 and 1980, and again for the 2010/12 season.
I used to have every replica shirt from 1982-2009 but had to stop due to the material crisis the club's suppliers must have been suffering as a XXL shirt no longer fits my right man boob never mind the rest of my impressive man chest.
I have seen over 328 live games, including 27 friendly matches, So am fully orientated when it comes to the layout of our pitch and the direction we should be kicking each half.
I, like many, was disappointed – and even furious – by the 2-1 defeat,we suffered against West Ham but was gracious enough to say well done to the West Ham supporters sat next to me in the Blackpool end.
He is my basic buy 1 get 2 free tactics I would have employ to ensure success against West Ham
Tactic #1 – Defended better.
Tactic #2 – Had more shots at their goal.
Tactic #3 – Had better shots at their goal.
Seems simple doesn’t it? That’s what I can bring to the table, Karl: simplicity in football. I bet Appleton spent hours and hours trying to get the likes of Eardley, Baps, Angel and GTF to study up on movement-graphs and statistics and sport-psychology, and it’s no wonder that they all looked knackered!.
You can’t expect someone like Ian Evatt to understand anything more advanced than a “Puffin’s Barnyard Wordsearch” book.
Picture the scene:Blackpool win every match from now till the end of the season and win promotion back to your happy place the cash cow that is the premiership and then i will ensure we are relegated straight back down and we can carry this plan forward year after year ensuring the cash cow keeps on giving.
I know what you’re thinking Karl. “Your one of those sad customers that come year in year out called a fan and get dressed up in tangerine, But what do you ACTUALLY know about managing a football team?”
I’m glad you asked.
Does a little game called “Football Manager ” mean anything to you, Karl-baby? Does it? Well it should – because it is where your future favoritee employee learned his trade.
In my first season as manager of Leeds I took a pittance of a transfer budget (free agents only) and a squad weighed down by leaden-footed jokers and turned them into a tight-knit unit featuring the transfer sale of some of them for a cool summer profit of £20m before the season even started... just think 20 million for your sky rocket before we even start the season
Sure, the first team squad was cut down to 18 players.
Sure, that meant that we were lucky to have 7 subs (injuries permitting).
Sure, that meant flogging almost every reserve player and youth prospect and disregarding all long-term planning.
BUT! I still managed to creep into 4th spot and win promotion via the play offs ( even more money for your pocket).
I have heard you’re considering Nigel Adkins, come on, He will want a decent wage and transfer kitty not to mention a new pitch and training ground? – that’s crazytalk i will make you money he will spend your money.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “OK, so you’ve got what it takes at computer game level – but you’ve never done it in real life, despite the fact that surely the skills and knowledge are pretty easily transferable…”
Well you’re right Karl, those skills and knowledge are indeed easily transferable, and I would like to point you to my second season on Football Manager (Leeds get to Champions League Semi-Final and do League and FA Cup double THANKyouverymuch…)
Plus while also managing Leeds to all that glory i still had time to go and make a cup of tea, and play a bit of computer chess or go on Facebook or something.
Multi-tasking? TICK. (No need for backroom staff)
So Karl-Baby we’ve established that I’ve got people-skills (perfect for the big egos) and I’m good at winning cups with football teams. If anything, I’m over-qualified.
Now let’s get down to the brass-tacks.
1…… I flat-out REFUSE to work for any less than £238 per week, and that includes all of the weeks when Blackpool aren’t playing. You’re not stinging me with a part-time contract. That is what I got at my last job, as a temp computer administrator, and there is no way I’m going to take a pay cut.
2…… I also want one of them tracksuits with my initials on (“TS”).
3…… No need for a company car. I can’t drive. If you could sort me out a bus pass I’d be grateful, but I understand that technically it’s my prerogative.
Alright then D-Bomb, you’ve heard what I’ve got to say. I’ve dropped some pretty heavy facts, so if you need a little time to pick them all up then I can wait – but I wouldn’t hang around too long because I heard that Shep Shep carter-house need a manager now as well.
I have enclosed my CV for your consideration.
Awaiting your response,
TS.
RE: POTENTIAL VACANCY FOR BLACKPOOL MANAGER POSITION
I am aware that you are to make a decision on potential manager for the top job in Northwest football.
Well Karl, do you want the good news or the bad news?
OK, GOOD NEWS:
The search is over. You’ve found your man.
BAD NEWS:
There is no bad news.
My experience with football has been plentiful since the age of 5. I nearly completed every Panini Sticker book between 1973 and 1980, and again for the 2010/12 season.
I used to have every replica shirt from 1982-2009 but had to stop due to the material crisis the club's suppliers must have been suffering as a XXL shirt no longer fits my right man boob never mind the rest of my impressive man chest.
I have seen over 328 live games, including 27 friendly matches, So am fully orientated when it comes to the layout of our pitch and the direction we should be kicking each half.
I, like many, was disappointed – and even furious – by the 2-1 defeat,we suffered against West Ham but was gracious enough to say well done to the West Ham supporters sat next to me in the Blackpool end.
He is my basic buy 1 get 2 free tactics I would have employ to ensure success against West Ham
Tactic #1 – Defended better.
Tactic #2 – Had more shots at their goal.
Tactic #3 – Had better shots at their goal.
Seems simple doesn’t it? That’s what I can bring to the table, Karl: simplicity in football. I bet Appleton spent hours and hours trying to get the likes of Eardley, Baps, Angel and GTF to study up on movement-graphs and statistics and sport-psychology, and it’s no wonder that they all looked knackered!.
You can’t expect someone like Ian Evatt to understand anything more advanced than a “Puffin’s Barnyard Wordsearch” book.
Picture the scene:Blackpool win every match from now till the end of the season and win promotion back to your happy place the cash cow that is the premiership and then i will ensure we are relegated straight back down and we can carry this plan forward year after year ensuring the cash cow keeps on giving.
I know what you’re thinking Karl. “Your one of those sad customers that come year in year out called a fan and get dressed up in tangerine, But what do you ACTUALLY know about managing a football team?”
I’m glad you asked.
Does a little game called “Football Manager ” mean anything to you, Karl-baby? Does it? Well it should – because it is where your future favoritee employee learned his trade.
In my first season as manager of Leeds I took a pittance of a transfer budget (free agents only) and a squad weighed down by leaden-footed jokers and turned them into a tight-knit unit featuring the transfer sale of some of them for a cool summer profit of £20m before the season even started... just think 20 million for your sky rocket before we even start the season
Sure, the first team squad was cut down to 18 players.
Sure, that meant that we were lucky to have 7 subs (injuries permitting).
Sure, that meant flogging almost every reserve player and youth prospect and disregarding all long-term planning.
BUT! I still managed to creep into 4th spot and win promotion via the play offs ( even more money for your pocket).
I have heard you’re considering Nigel Adkins, come on, He will want a decent wage and transfer kitty not to mention a new pitch and training ground? – that’s crazytalk i will make you money he will spend your money.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “OK, so you’ve got what it takes at computer game level – but you’ve never done it in real life, despite the fact that surely the skills and knowledge are pretty easily transferable…”
Well you’re right Karl, those skills and knowledge are indeed easily transferable, and I would like to point you to my second season on Football Manager (Leeds get to Champions League Semi-Final and do League and FA Cup double THANKyouverymuch…)
Plus while also managing Leeds to all that glory i still had time to go and make a cup of tea, and play a bit of computer chess or go on Facebook or something.
Multi-tasking? TICK. (No need for backroom staff)
So Karl-Baby we’ve established that I’ve got people-skills (perfect for the big egos) and I’m good at winning cups with football teams. If anything, I’m over-qualified.
Now let’s get down to the brass-tacks.
1…… I flat-out REFUSE to work for any less than £238 per week, and that includes all of the weeks when Blackpool aren’t playing. You’re not stinging me with a part-time contract. That is what I got at my last job, as a temp computer administrator, and there is no way I’m going to take a pay cut.
2…… I also want one of them tracksuits with my initials on (“TS”).
3…… No need for a company car. I can’t drive. If you could sort me out a bus pass I’d be grateful, but I understand that technically it’s my prerogative.
Alright then D-Bomb, you’ve heard what I’ve got to say. I’ve dropped some pretty heavy facts, so if you need a little time to pick them all up then I can wait – but I wouldn’t hang around too long because I heard that Shep Shep carter-house need a manager now as well.
I have enclosed my CV for your consideration.
Awaiting your response,
TS.